Find Your Wings

 Disclaimer:  Another shaky week as we change medication and continue our search for a caregiver for Scotty.   What a week!  A few weeks ago I wrote a want ad for a caregiver which I will now add to...If you miss an interview because you were in jail you can be pretty sure my response to "Can we reschedule?" will most likely be no.  I am just choosing to believe that God has decided that none of these people are right for our Scotty. Instead  I offer up one more recycled blog retrieved from a box of stories I thought  someone might want to read someday. So as not to stir up a big batch of sibling rivalry I share with you  a story I wrote for Sarah at the beginning of her senior year.



Parenting, by definition is the work or skill in raising a child. To some it is an exhausting, never ending thankless job, but to most it is a blessing.  The blessing comes from the joy and excitement of seeing your children grow into happy, healthy, independent adults.  That joy however is often times bitter sweet.  As our children reach towards and eventually grasp at each new milestone, they begin their journey away from us.

It starts when they are very young.  They are born with an innate yearning for independence.   The first time they take the bottle from our hand or grab the spoon in a sloppy attempt to feed themselves… they need us a little less.  Though these are memorable moments to be documented in the baby book, to me they were always tinged with melancholy.

Even before my own children were conceived they already lived in my heart.  As these tiny babies grew I was in awe that I was able to give these tiny miracles absolutely everything they needed to live. 

And I was blessed.  

My youngest daughter, Sarah Rose will soon begin her senior year.  I can scarcely believe that so much time has gone by.  

Snow fell lightly on a Monday in January when we welcomed our baby girl into this world and it is a day that is still so clear in my mind.  From the moment her father and I laid eyes on her and held her for the first time she stole our hearts.  I remember her few wisps of soft blonde hair and her sweet baby smell. 

This beautiful baby girl fit perfectly into my arms and that is the place she always wanted to be. 

So many chores went undone as I endlessly held her.  I was so aware of how quickly the time would go by and I cherished every single midnight feeding and the short time I was her whole world.

I remember so vividly her first wobbly baby steps sometime around nine months. The video camera was at the ready and a hush fell over the room. If I close my eyes I can vividly see my sweet red-cheeked baby taking those first unsteady steps and falling into my waiting arms...the thrill of it all shining brightly in her eyes.

 For the first few weeks as she perfected her new found skill she was always walking towards me, but as she became more confident and strong more often than not her steps took her away from me and on to new unexplored places.  Her awkward steps quickly became a run and this exhausted mother spent the next few months in hot pursuit.   

 In the blink of an eye this tiny baby could scale the kitchen table or the stairs as if she was always reaching for higher ground.  Every minute she was awake she was in danger.

All too soon those tentative first steps led her from the comfort and safety of our home to a kindergarten classroom filled with tiny tables and chairs. I still remember standing outside her classroom door waiting for her to run back to me for one more hug. Instead my little girl walked bravely into this unknown world without a backwards glance.

 If she had she would have seen me fighting the urge to grab her and run back to the safety and comfort of our living room. In that moment I wanted so desperately to jump back into the days of just her and me.

And my tears...she would have seen my tears. 

 In this place of colors, letters and songs she found friends and comfort in the warmth of a much loved teacher.  In this immense step the distance between mother and child grew larger and my heart ached and yearned for the baby who once found my arms the most comforting place to be. 

Closing my eyes I picture her clutching her “boppie”. This tiny baby was a permanent attachment on my hip and I can still feel her weight and her fingers entwined in my hair.  I longed once again to hear the near constant pleas of my baby girl's voice crying, “Uppie Mommy Uppie!” 

Soon came skates and two wheelers, friends and sleepovers, girl scouts and softball games.   Time that used to be spent peacefully coloring, playing “dress up”, and watching Blue’s Clues was now spent driving her from one activity to the next.  I found myself cherishing the brief time spent driving to have conversations with my little girl who was moving farther away from me more every day. 

Next I was competing with phone calls from friends, birthday parties, My Space pages and the busy social calendar of my budding teenager… I now found myself begging for a few minutes of her day.  I found it necessary to bribe her to play a game of Skip Bo with me while she ate her Fruit Loops.  Where did my little girl go who always wanted me to, “Come play” with her? 

I missed her.

With each new stage I found my Sweet Sarah becoming less of a child and more of a young woman.

Before I could even grasp it’s meaning, my little girl got her driver’s license.  No longer could I hold her captive in the minivan as I drove her to all the places her busy schedule took her.  Rides that used to give me time to catch up...time to feel connected to this little girl in some way were now missing from my day.  No longer did I really know for sure where she was every moment of the day.

And she moved a little further away.

When August comes, I will once again be thrown into moments that I will never share with her again.  Together we will share so many last times.  For the last time we will shop for school supplies, the perfect first day of school outfit, and the photo in the front yard on her first day of school…traditions that will now no longer be necessary.

 The coming year will be filled with many moments that will bring tears to my eyes. It will be a year filled with Interp tournaments and shows, parties and prom, senior pictures and college applications.  Graduation announcements, class rings and caps and gowns will be the details that will consume our days… and keep us from thinking too much.

Soon I will be wearing a new sweatshirt emblazoned with the name of the university she has chosen. Though I will share her excitement for this brand new adventure I will secretly long for the days of reading stories on rainy afternoons with my little girl snuggled on my lap.

I watch my daughter emerging into someone who is strong and confident...someone who makes me proud of her every single day.  Each day she goes out into the world and meets new people and has experiences that I am no longer a part of.

Next year as I take her picture the camera will capture a young woman suitcase in hand excited about starting a new adventure.  But in her place I will envision my baby girl, my sweet Sarah.

My heart will always hold close the memory of the rosy cheeked baby who stole our hearts and I will miss her every single day...from now until forever.  In her place I love this young woman who I am so proud to call my daughter. Her rosy cheeks and sweet smile continue to warm our hearts today. 

Yet, there will always be a part of me that will never stop wanting to be her whole world again.

First day of Kindergarten 1997

Moving in 2010

I prayed that God would fill your heart 
with dreams and that Faith

   Gives you the courage to dare to do great things. 

I’m here for you whatever this life brings.

So let my love give you roots and help you find your wings.

   Mark Harris