On My Knees

 Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LORD our Maker

Psalm 95:6

As Scotty's mother I  have experienced many moments that have taken my breath away as I have witnessed God's presence in this boy and in our life.  But I have also had many moments that have brought me to my knees. Those moments...the ones that bring me to my knees can happen suddenly...with no warning...or they can appear year after year ...right on schedule...without fail. 

Over the years I have grown to dislike this time of year…May has become my least favorite month of the year.  It didn’t used to be this way.

Sure May brings flowers, butterflies and perfect temperatures but it also brings allergies, mosquitoes and graduation.

I don't know what it is about graduation...more specifically the announcements that fill our mailbox...but they make me want to go all Old Testament and drop to my knees and “rend my garments” as an expression of my physical grief and sorrow.  Every year as the first one appears I begin a mourning process of sorts…every year...all over again. And every year it surprises me with it's intensity.

Of course I mourn for this particular missed milestone for Scotty... But I am really mourning for ALL the missed milestones and I mourn for the life he will never have.

There are so many milestones that have passed him by and selfishly I think I mourn more for myself than for him.

He will never skin his knee riding a 

two-wheeler for the first time.

He will never learn to read.

He will never write his name.

He will never have a sleepover.

He will never enter a spelling bee.

He will never hit a home run.

He will never go on a first date.

He will never get his driver's license.

He will never make the honor roll.

He will never walk across the stage 
and receive his diploma.
He will never have a first car or a first job 
or a first apartment to celebrate...
To name a few.

But the one that numbs me with sadness is that

He will never stand at the front of 
the church and watch his bride
as she walks down the aisle towards
 him and their new life together.
 He will never hold his son in his arms…

…and neither will I.

And all of it...every single bit of it...
Brings me to my knees.

Last week I was looking through Scotty’s memory box.  It is filled with Special Olympic ribbons and medals, school papers, report cards, birthday cards and an assortment of items that at the time I thought were worth saving...little treasures worth keeping.

Mixed up in all the treasures I found this...

From Right of Way Driving School

And this.....

Navy Opportunity Information Center

I don’t know what made me throw these in a box that held these precious treasures.  Why didn’t I just toss them in the trash? It certainly isn't healthy to hold onto things that cause us pain. But it's okay...I will gladly take all the pain and all the sadness so he never has too.

You see he has no idea about all the things he has missed…and I thank God for that.

And sitting at the bottom of his memory box I found this....

It was taken 23 years ago at his "graduation" from an early childhood program and I had forgotten all about it. It was glued to a construction paper diploma and the sight of my little guy with his cap and gown brought me to my knees.  Coincidence? Never. It was there just waiting to be found just when I needed it...in the  month of May♥ 

So once a year I allow myself a bit of a temper tantrum.  I cry and scream into pillows. I allow myself to feel angry, cheated, jealous and just plain pissed off…all very self indulgent...but somehow necessary...somehow healing. And then I put on my big girl panties and dry my tears...And  get back to the business at hand and focus on all the blessings we have been given.

So keep those graduation announcements coming because God and me...we've got this!

And though the sadness is always there lurking in the far recesses of my mind just waiting for an opportunity to bring me to my knees... that's okay.

Isn't that where I should be anyway?

“On my knees I can see,
Where my heart needs to be.
When this life gets to me,
I’ll be found on my knees…”

These are the only lyrics to the song On My Knees by Seryn.  They are repeated over and over for the entire song...simple yet powerful!  Here is the link to YouTube and you can hear the whole song.

On My Knees by Seryn

P.S. To my sweet, beautiful daughters Stevi and Sarah Rose,

Hacking my blog last week for Mother's day is hands

down the best gift you have ever given me.

I love you both so very much.

♥♥Love, Moo♥♥