Burnt Toast and Dandelions

Sunday is Mother’s Day and once again we are thrown into yet another retail frenzy that brainwashes us into believing that we need to buy cards, fancy gift baskets, or flowers for mom.   Sure those things are nice, but do flowers really convey the message we should all say to our mothers.

Does a basket of flowers really say, 

"Thanks mom for working as my chauffeur, personal assistant, teacher, coach, doctor, psychologist, housekeeper, activities director, personal chef,fixer of all things broken, finder of all things lost, retriever of all things forgotten on the kitchen table, CEO and Superhero…seven days a week for no pay, no room for advancement…and absolutely positively NO room for error."

Flowers…Really?

So what makes little girls dream of being mothers and grown women long to hold a baby in their arms?  I am pretty sure it isn’t the promise of flowers.

Motherhood is exhausting, it's loud, it’s messy, and more often than not it involves some pretty offensive smells…it is the very definition of chaos…a state of utter confusion and disorder.  Amazon lists over a thousand books about motherhood and I can pretty much guarantee that there is very little on those pages that can adequately prepare a woman for motherhood. In this choice of career the only useful training you will get is on the job.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.

She never existed before. 

The woman existed, but the mother, never. 

 A mother is something absolutely new. 

 ~Rajneesh

Being a mother is really about the million little moments of wonderful we are so privileged to be a part of…moments that we tuck away in our hearts…moments we yearn for as we watch our children grow and move away from us.

It is the sweet smell of a newborn baby,

It is the weight of them as you hold them in your arms,

It is the peace you feel as you rock them

to sleep in the silence of the night,

It is a construction paper card with 

little hand prints that look just like flowers,

It is the smell of  burnt toast and the 
sound of hushed voices in the kitchen as a feast 
is prepared just for you,

It is the smushed dandelion pulled from a little pocket

and handed to you with great reverence,

It is the way their little hand feels in yours,
It is the feel of their breath on your cheek
 as they whisper their secrets in your ear, 
It is the smell of freshly bathed little bodies 
ready to be tucked in for the night,
It is reading the same bedtime story hundreds of times,
It is the laughter that echoes through your home,

It is  the simplicity of the days,

It is the short time when you are their whole world,

These are the moments we treasure…

These are the real days to celebrate being a mother.

Erma Bombeck has written extensively about motherhood and in 1980 she wrote a column titled “The Special Mother.”

Basically it depicts God and his angels carefully matching children with a mother just perfect for them.  When He assigns a child with special needs to his perfect mother, the angel is curious and says, “Why this one, God?  She is so happy.” 

“She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied.

She will never take for granted a spoken word.

She will never consider a step ordinary.

When her child says momma for the first time,

she will be witness to a miracle and know it. “

So True…

…But I genuinely find it very hard to believe that anyone has ever looked at Steve and I and said, "Gee, I sure do envy them." 

Who could possibly envy us watching Scotty struggle in a world that he will never understand?  Who would envy the constant exhaustion and the constant struggle we endure just to make it through one more day?  Who would envy the loneliness and the isolation we sometimes feel?  Who would envy living with the stark reality that Scotty is most likely going to outlive us and worrying what his life will be like without us in it? 

Envious...Doubtful.

I do know these things for certain.  There WILL be flowers for Mother's Day. It's tradition, and I will love them because I love the giver and the note that is attached will remind me just how much I am loved.

And I also know for certain that even though all of my children are adults now, there will still be a certain little man who will be making me burnt toast for breakfast and who will proudly present me with a construction paper card with his hand print flowers...hand prints that are now much, much larger than mine...

...and if I am really, really lucky there will be a smushed up dandelion in his pocket just for me..

Well maybe... just maybe there is a little something to envy after all.

Scotty 1987

Stevi 1988

Sarah Rose 1992

If you have a mom, 

there is nowhere you are likely to go

where a prayer has not already been.  ~Robert Brault

To my sweet babies, thank you for transforming me into a mother.  It is all I ever really wanted to be.  I am so glad that God picked you just for me.  You are the best thing I have ever done.  You are my greatest gifts...my greatest treasures.  Although you are grown, I will never stop missing the time long ago when I was your whole world.

                          




I have been lucky enough to have had two women in my life who have loved me and taught me by example the importance of faith, love, commitment, and most importantly to always cherish the gift of family.

To my mom,  you have shown me how to face life with strength and courage…you have shown me how to survive seemingly unsurvivable situations…to turn lemons into lemonade…and to keep putting one foot in front of the other…no matter what life throws my way.  I love you♥

To my mother-in-law Loretta, you shared with me your faith and helped me to see that God has a purpose to everything and whenever he closes one door he always opens a window.  You have shown me that kindness, gentleness and goodness shown to others lasts far beyond the parameters of this life…and I miss you every day♥

P.S.

In the previous blog I told the story about our Scotty and how in the blink of an eye he changed from an ordinary boy into a Superhero. The story of our little hero didn't end there. 

I think we can all agree that what Scotty did that summer day was pretty amazing, but factor in his limitations and it was certainly nothing short of a miracle.  The recognition that was given to him was really a message to all of us...never ever discount someone because they have different abilities than what most people consider normal.  The gifts that children with special needs have to share with others are usually quite extraordinary.  Scotty was a shining example that day of the works of our God.

And so we get to the P.S. of this story that happened a few weeks later.

Scotty was scheduled to receive the Danger Ranger "Tiny But Tough" medal at North Park Mall in Dallas.  My husband was out of town so my friend Patty and her children and Sean's family came along as part of Scotty's entourage. 

During the ceremony I was so afraid that the crowd, the noise and the chaos would throw Scotty into a tailspin, but he handled it all like a champ.  Of course the promise of a hamburger and french fries certainly helped.  He graciously accepted his medal and off we went in search of a McDonalds.  He proudly held his medal up to anyone who happened to be looking in his direction.

Before I go any further with this story it is important to understand just how difficult it is for Scotty to communicate. Our life has been one long game of charades as he tries desperately to make us understand.   In his attempt to get our attention he is constantly tapping, grabbing, and pulling on us until we finally acknowledge him.

With that said it is not surprising that it is quite common for him to reach out to strangers in the only way he knows how...by touching them.

So as we waited in line a smiling Scotty reached up and grabbed the arm of a man who just happened to be standing within arms reach. In his other hand he was holding up his shiny, new medal to show this stranger.  Before I had a chance to offer an explanation....

...the little boy they had just called a Hero got his hand smacked.

It rendered me speechless.  I literally was unable to form words.  To say I was stunned would be an understatement.

The man's face showed the briefest moment of regret as he mumbled some sort of what I assumed was an apology and walked away.  An apology I am certain was issued only because he recognized  Scotty's disability.

Shame on him.

I was overcome with tears as I looked down at my son with his big, drooly smile...still holding up his medal...still waiting for this man to show the proper amount of admiration.  He never stopped smiling and he never stopped waiting.

This sweet little boy with the shiny new medal had never experienced such an unspeakable act of unkindness until this moment...

...And neither had I.

Unfortunately for both of us it wouldn't be the last.

While the tears poured down my face, this little boy who had just received a medal for heroism and a slap on the hand within minutes of each other was once again a shining example of the works of our God.

My son who is so innocent...so pure of heart...so forgiving... knows nothing of the evil in this world.  He holds no anger...no resentment...no animosity in his heart. 

Regrettably, I still need a lot of work.

 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted,

 forgiving each other just as 

God in Christ also has forgiven you.

 Ephesians 4:32

Channel 11 Broadcast

Ft. Worth Star Telegram

Scotty and Sean 1996

 
















Scotty and Sean 2012

Believe it or not I actually have a P.S.S. if there is such a thing.

As I started this blog last week I googled Scotty's name to see if I could pull up the newspaper articles or the Channel 11 news story. Instead I found his story included in a book called Real Miracles, Divine Interventions, and Feats of Incredible Survival by Brad and Sherry Steiger.  I contacted the authors and the following is the email response as well as a link to the book.  It actually takes you right to the story.  Very Cool!

Dear Joanne,

It was very nice to hear from you.  When we read a newspaper interview with you and reporter Ruth Watts and learned of Scott's heroism and noted that he had received the 1996 White Helmet award, we thought it was a remarkable and inspiring story and decided that he was most deserving of a brief entry in our book. You must be very proud of him.  It is great to see that you are starting a blog about your life with Scott.  It is certain to be very helpful to many families. Certainly you have permission to include our email response. Your blog is fantastic!  .

Many Blessings to Scott, to you, and your family,

Brad and Sherry

Here is a link to their book.
Real Miracles,Divine Interventions, and Feats of Incredible Survival

Hero of the Heart

Why?

As the parent of a child with special needs the question  WHY seems to come up a lot. On really difficult days, the word WHY pervades my prayers and my pleas to God  as I watch my son struggle to find a place in a world that constantly confuses and frustrates him.  Though I am exhausted after a day that has been filled with many challenges and the resulting bad behavior... the word WHY, always written in “shouty” capitals, blinks like a neon sign on the inside of my eyelids as I try futilely to sleep at night.

WHY SCOTTY?

I try to focus on these words.

 It was so that the works of 

God might be made visible through him.  John 9:3

 

I have to believe there is a purpose…I have to believe God has a plan.  I have to...

 

In taking this journey with Scotty we are blessed to have witnessed hundreds of small miracles every single day... things that make us shake our heads in wonder and in awe.   With this boy, who has exceeded all expectations, everything he does is a small miracle.

 

However, there was one miracle that changed the course of the lives of two families forever.  It happened  fifteen years ago when Scotty was just nine years old.

We had our neighbors over for a swim and it was one of those perfect summer days. As the afternoon was winding down, my friend Danielle got her two boys out of the pool, took off their arm floaties and was getting ready to leave.

 

My three children stayed in the pool and continued to swim. Sarah, who was four at the time, had just learned to swim so I kept my eyes trained on her because I wasn’t yet comfortable with her new found swimming abilities. We had all, Scotty included, spent the last two months standing in the pool while Sarah swam between us.  She would swim to Scotty and he would pick her up, turn her around and send her back to me...over and over again.

While Danielle was packing up her bag her two boys were busy playing in our playhouse that was about fifty feet from our pool…

 

Or so we thought.

 

Little Sean,  just two years old had slipped silently into the pool…we were standing right there...we didn’t see it…we didn’t hear it.  My daughter’s scream brought our attention to Scotty who held Sean, who was coughing and spitting out water, firmly in his grasp.  

 

The next few minutes were a blur of activity…but the bottom line is little Sean was fine, shaken up and frightened, but thank God he was okay.  Finally he rested quietly on his mother's lap while she rubbed his back to get the rest of the water up that he had swallowed.  We sat in stunned silence ...contemplating just how differently this afternoon could have turned out.

 

My neighbor was so grateful and wanted to draw attention to the fact that drowning is silent and can happen to even the most careful and attentive parent. She called the newspaper with her story and a media firestorm ensued.  Scotty’s fifteen minutes of fame lasted for several weeks. 

 

The story made the evening news, the radio, two local newspapers, Steve's newsletter at work and was the front page story on the Angelman Syndrome newsletter.**  All very awesome and completely overwhelming, but to Scotty it was just a lot of people taking his picture, clapping for him and giving him really cool stuff.  He was awarded the “Tiny But Tuff” medal of courage by the Danger Ranger Child Safety Program. The Grapevine Fire Department presented him with The White Helmet Award for his act of heroism. 

He was only the fifth recipient in the award's history.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scotty will never know the impact he made that day and how very differently it could have turned out.  It is possible to offer some explanation for his actions that day.  Perhaps he was just doing what I had taught him to do with his sister…perhaps.

 

And we find ourselves back to the question of WHY?  Does this answer the question…Why Scotty?  Could his whole life’s purpose have been wrapped up in this one moment in time...perhaps. 

 

Like the bible verse says, “…so the works of God might be made visible through him.”

 

We will never know for sure but here is what I do know...

 

We have had the extreme blessing to watch Sean grow into a wonderful young man who will soon be graduating from high school and starting the rest of his life.  He never, ever fails to say hello to Scotty and is quick with a hug or a kind word, just like the rest of his family.

 

It could all have been very different if not for this little boy they called a hero.

 

Truly though, no one person can be a hero alone and without a doubt God’s fingerprints are all over this event.  But for Scotty, the little boy of whom not much was expected, with God's help did something very extraordinary that day.  

In my book he is a ♥SUPERHERO♥

♫ You're everything, everything I wish I could be... ♫

 

 

There will be a P.S. to this story next week...there is always a P.S. to all great stories isn't there?

   

**Follow this link to a copy of the Angelman Syndrome Newsletter for the story. 

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B8cbKLAaVZuTQ01IQmpGWV9sbzQ 

 

 

I added 2 new videos and some new photos under the Through Scotty's Eyes tab.  

I have been in contact with so many Angleman families and of  course they have many questions so I added a new tab titled Just the Facts.  It is a list of milestones and  what his capabilities are at this time. This is a work in progress.

Never Never Land

... a place that can be found only in the minds of children… a place where time is frozen…a place of eternal childhood.

“All children, except one, grow up.”

…Make that two.

Scotty lives in his own version of Never Never Land too, and we are lucky enough to still be able to see glimpses of this magical place through his eyes. Though his body is that of a man he will always stay a little boy.  Like Peter Pan he will never grow up.

This weekend as he anxiously awaited the arrival of a large white bunny who would fill our backyard with colored eggs I realized how lucky we are to share our days with our Peter Pan.  His excitement is contagious and he swoops us up and carries us with him on adventures that most twenty-five year olds have long ago left behind.

Scotty still travels to places that most of us have forgotten.   

They are places we have let slip from our memories.  As we grow older we lose our ability to see Never Never Land.  And we miss out on all the adventures that used to fill us with so much joy and so much happiness.

Why can't you fly now, mother?
           Because I am grown up, dearest.              

 When people grow up they forget the way.

The moment you doubt whether you can fly,

 you cease for ever to be able to do it.

 

  

With childlike enthusiasm Scotty wakes up every single morning fully expecting to be surprised…confident that something wonderful will happen. There is a determined certainty in his expectations.  He has no frame of reference for expecting disappointment.  Why should he? For him everyday is a new adventure full of possibilities…full of reasons to celebrate.

  
Scotty can find genuine happiness in the simplest of moments.  Moments the rest of us miss because we are so busy rushing through our day. Our Scotty misses no opportunity to grab a moment of laughter…a moment of pure fun. 

Everyday surprises can come in the form of  a picnic in the living room, escaping out the front door and running with wild abandon down the street with me in hot pursuit, having pizza for lunch,  a game of hide and seek, a cup of carrots with jelly beans hidden at the bottom, a tablecloth and candle on the table just to eat a PBJ, the music of the ice cream truck… the list could go on forever.  For him every moment is an adventure waiting to be embraced.

Each instance is an occasion to be celebrated.   The thing that I find most striking is that the level of intensity of his personal celebration for any particular surprise is exactly the same.  Whether it is a hamburger or trip to Disney World the reaction is the same…he literally jumps for joy!

Pure joy radiates from this boy and we can’t help but be enveloped in its glow and celebrate with him.

So all day long he anticipates a moment…an event that will transport him to his happy place…and we are blessed each day to be able to join him in Never Never Land.  Thanks Buddy♥

 “So come with me, where dreams are born,

and time is never planned.

Just think of happy things, and your heart

will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!

All you need is trust and a little bit of pixie dust!”

 ― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

Check out the new tab titled Through Scotty's Eyes to see

 some original photos from our budding photographer♥

Carrying the Cross

And as they led him away, 
They seized one Simon of Cyrene, 
Who was coming in from the country, 
And laid on him the cross, 
To carry it behind Jesus.

 Luke 23:26

In my purse I carry a small scrap of paper that 

has the following words written on it:

 Carrying the cross was not what Simon of Cyrene 

had planned that day. 

 He was on his way to do something else.

I can’t remember where I read it, but it brings me great comfort. It reminds me that twenty-five years ago Steve and I were on our way to do something else…we had other plans too.

I feel a certain kinship with Simon.

I am fascinated by this obscure man who is mentioned by name in three of the four gospels as well as the subject of the fifth Station of the Cross. 

I picture him walking behind Jesus carrying his cross for a little while…easing the burden and lightening the load of the One who was suffering such incomprehensible agony…a stranger…and it leaves me breathless.

We all carry around our own cross at one time or another.  They are heavy and cumbersome…they slow our steps, but even as we bow under the tremendous weight we still continue moving forward. Our crosses are never ones we would choose for ourselves and most likely we would not wish our particular burdens on anyone else. If we are fortunate enough we will find someone to help us when we stagger under the heaviness.


The most important thing we could ever do is to carry a cross for someone as they stumble under the weight until they are able to pick it up once again  and continue their journey.


Angelman Syndrome is Scotty’s cross to bear, not ours. However, he will never be able to carry his cross alone …Ever.  

Over the years we have had so many well-meaning people express their concerns about the toll caring for Scotty will take on us. They suggest that perhaps it would be better for us if Scotty lived somewhere else. How would it be better? We have never felt like that is the path in which we were being lead.  Their intentions, though thoughtful, are not ours.  There comes a time when anyone raising a child with special needs must make that decision for themselves. Either decision comes at a huge emotional price.

Make no mistake, being a caregiver 24/7 is agonizingly hard, but having a syndrome that robs you of your speech and your independence and forces you to live in a world that is confusing at best and then be expected to conform to its rules and expectations…

… Is much, much harder. 

Scotty’s cross to bear will never change, he will always have Angelman Syndrome…Always. From now until forever he will always need someone to help him bear the weight of his cross.  And so for as long as we are able, Steve and I will stand side by side with this sweet boy and share his burden no matter how Herculean the task might seem.

Like Simon of Cyrene we were called upon by name.
Like Simon of Cyrene we were not given a choice.
Like Simon of Cyrene, we were on our way to do something else…

...Something much less important.  

But how could
we have done
anything else? 

Carry each other's burdens,
and in the way

you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Galatians 6:2 

Have a Blessed Easter

It Is What It Is

As I was looking over my previous blogs and trying to decide what to write about this week, I realized that it sounds a bit like we float through our days on the wings of angels with a faith so strong and a burden so light.

Not even close! Nothing could be farther from the truth.

Most days look very little like the relaxed and happy  face in the photo above,

 And more like this!

There is not a single day that goes by that my husband and I do not sigh in relief for any brief moment of respite…a moment to take a breath and relax.

The very word relax to anyone who is a caregiver, whether it be a special needs child, a spouse or an elderly parent takes on a whole new meaning. 

The definition of relax that seems to fit the best is:  To attain equilibrium following the abrupt removal of some influence such as light, high temperature, or stress. 

Stress it is…

Stress in our day comes in many forms. 

First and foremost it comes in the form of the mind numbing effect of sleep deprivation.  Scotty has never been a sleeper and this is something common to Angelman's Syndrome.  It dulls our senses and transforms every minor incident into a mega disaster that can rival a catastrophic event like the sinking of the Titanic. 

In order for us to obtain that much strived for equilibrium we must minimize the constant activity, constant demands, and the ever present din of noise. 

In trying to maintain our own version of Utopia I must constantly remind myself to have reasonable expectations of Scotty’s capabilities and his limited ability to understand and process his world. 

Scotty wakes up each morning and in his sleepy, barely awake state begins his litany of requests.  The list, in no particular order, consists of requests/demands to go bye-bye ANYWHERE, but usually he wants to go to church, a parade, a circus, a rodeo, out to eat, to buy a new shirt, go to Grandmas, pick his sister up from the airport, stay at a hotel, fly in an airplane or have a party… all day everyday…sun up to sundown. 

The response he is usually okay with is,           

”Maybe later.”  

Usually. 

I must carefully measure every word that comes out of my mouth and try to find answers to the constant barrage of demands that in no way seems like I am saying NO.  If the dreaded word slips from my lips I brace myself because the word NO turns him into a yelly, bangy, breaky, angry mess whose main mission is to bring down the house!

Even our very good days are at best exhausting. It is a bit like walking through sand…your legs get tired and your progress is slow but you are still moving forward.  At their worst, our days can feel a lot like walking in quicksand. With each step we get sucked down farther and no amount of struggling will release us from the muck that is our day.

A good day or a bad day can’t be predicted or altered once it has begun.

My wise and calm husband’s litany contains one declaration...

It is what it is.

And he’s right. 

Thank God for Steve...

Thank God, Thank God, Thank God!            
                              

He never wavers and his patience, kindness, steadfastness, and devotion anchor us and hold us all together.

 Scotty and Steve have their litanies and I have mine…

Live quietly, Speak softly

Move slowly, Breathe deeply,

Listen carefully, Anger slowly,

Show compassion, Pray unceasingly,

Love unconditionally,

Have courage, Have faith,

Be happy, Be content,

Count my blessings gratefully,

And trust God.

I make a conscious effort everyday to find God…I look for him in the laughter and in the tears because he is always there. 

 I choose God…and He always chooses me.

This is the day which the LORD has made;

 Let us rejoice and be glad in it. 

Psalm 118:24

Because…

… It Is What It Is!

 Every afternoon we sit outside and wait for Steve.  If  I tell Bonnie to get in the house she jumps up on Scotty's lap.  

Every other second of the day she avoids him like the plague!

Faith is...

…the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen.  Hebrews 11:1

 Faith by its very definition is the acceptance of what we cannot see but feel deep within our hearts.

My faith is learned.  I practice, I pray, I read, I am a constant seeker of knowledge always striving for a stronger faith and a deeper understanding of all things unseen.

But not our Scotty…Oh no...his faith does not come from a book, a religious education class or a yearning for knowledge in hopes of explaining the unexplainable…

…It just is.

Since he was very young he has always been a very holy little fellow.  

Even as a very small child he would fold his hands before every meal, and even at school  we were told he would pray before lunch.

Often times as we were rushing to get a quick dinner so we wouldn’t be late for some evening activity that required us to be in the car ten minutes ago, we would find him sitting quietly at the table…hands folded…reminding us to slow down and take a moment in our hectic day to give thanks.

 He reminds us every single day to see holiness in our ordinary. 

He will sometimes kneel down in prayer for no reason that is apparent to us, but we are left with no other choice but to join him.

He blesses himself with water from the dog bowl, the fish bowl, a water fountain, a duck pond or his cup of water at dinner. To Scotty it is the blessing itself not the holiness of the water.

He has always loved to go to church.  Though he doesn’t often make it to the end of the hour long service, he finds the ritual of the mass both familiar and comforting.  In our faith we do a lot of standing, sitting and kneeling. Scotty is always five seconds ahead of everyone else in the church doing the Catholic calisthenics… including the priest.  Though most times it appears he is not listening...clearly he hears every single word. 

Learned behavior…possibly.

Habit…maybe. 

Sweet…most definitely.

 

Last week I wrote of my personal journey this past year through the bible and of God’s impeccable timing.  I was not the only one in this family who has been on a God driven quest.  It seems our Scotty has been on one of his very own.

During this past year and our unplanned visit to hell and back, Scotty’s “holiness” moved to a whole different level.  As my friend Becky and I started our bible pilgrimage she gave Scotty a bible too.  A children’s bible with cartoon pictures and not a lot to distinguish itself from the hundreds of other books he has access to… none of which he can read. 

Like all books, he studies his bible upside down, he has always done this and we have never been able to figure out why. This particular book, from his much loved friend, became his constant companion.   He took it everywhere…sometimes looking at it…sometimes just holding it tightly. 

Soon after the worldwide prayers began and a sense of calm began to settle once again in our world he began spending many hours listening to church hymns and rocking in his chair by the front window, sometimes strumming his guitar, sometimes clutching his bible to his chest.

He also became focused, and by focused I mean OBSESSED as only a child with any form of autism can be, with watching mass on TV.  EWTN became his favorite station and even the promise of The Crocodile Hunter or The Three Stooges could not entice him away.  Standing close to the television and mimicking perfectly the movements and actions of the priest was always his activity of choice.

His reverence is humbling.

His usual attention span is that of a gnat, but for church TV he was and is still captivated for hours at a time.  It is here that he seems able to shut out all the chaos and all the noise. 

I watched in awe as his tense and broken body began to soften and heal under the quilt of peace that seemed to wrap itself around him.

And it took my breath away.  

There is something so much bigger at work here and I am in awe. I am in awe of God’s constant presence in our life and in awe of this boy and his devotion.

Faith is…the pure and simple light of God that shines from my son's eyes and warms us all. 

And as I have mentioned before in the small handful of words he has been given he can say amen.

Amen…So be it.

                                                        

 

 O Lord my God, I cried to You for help, and You healed me. Psalm 30:2

Disclaimer:  To all my writer friends and editor friends, I know my writing is quite a mess, but I just decided to write from my heart and not worry about all the things that I am sure are driving you crazy.  They are driving me crazy too! Forgive me:)